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handkerchiefs of god

I got this letter in the last couple days, the one I've been reading about going around. I've gotten ones like this before, but allow me to expose for you--in case you've never seen one--the insanity of the true believers.

On the outside of the envelope, front, it reads: God's Holy Spirit instructed us to loan you this to start turning this around for you. So, here it is. Use it and be blessed. (Actually the 'you' and 'for you' are double underlined. As is 'use this'. I guess one underline wasn't enough for them, we need to SHOUT a little more.)

On the bad of the envelope it reads: Dear God, With our Bibles opened to St. Matthew 18:19, we humbly and sincerely pray on bended knees for You to anoint this letter with Your precious and holy power to meet the most pressing needs that someone is facing as they open this church letter of prayer.
Heavenly Father, we pray that this one who needs this divine help will write their needs on page two of this letter and will place this blessed, biblical, Acts 19:11,12, Handkerchief and this sealed Bible prophecy under their side of their bed as they sleep tonight.
Let Thy power from heaven descend upon this home tonight and tomorrow night, after this one has mailed their most pressing needs back to this 56-year-old church ministry. We pray that they will break open this sealed prophecy after sunset tomorrow. Amen.

Yeah, they really did use all that bolding and underlining with bolding, and italics, and even 'Amen' at the end is in an entirely different typeface, just to make it seems special. Hmmm... does this mean I messed it up by opening it before I slept on it????

One thing I have to laugh at is the disconnect between the postmark and the address on the back of the envelope. The postmark says "mailed from zip code 21233", but the mailing address on the back is Saint Matthew's Chruches, P.O. Box 21210, Tulsa, OK 74121.

Fun. So let's read the letter...

As a minister for more than a half-a-century, I've read and reread, in the Holy Bible, how God instructs ministers to send Bible faith handkerchiefs to people's homes, and, as a result, miracles of blessings occur.
HERE, I LOAN YOU, IN JESUS' HOLY NAME, THIS PAPER, BIBLE FAITH HANDKERCHIEF FOR SOMETHING GOOD TO HAPPEN FOR YOU (ACTS 19:11,12)... I should mention here that this whole sentence is in a handwriting font
Dear. . .Someone Connected with This Home (oh, yeah, that's so personal), Who Needs Prayer and God's Divine Help and Blessings. . .in The Name of The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit,
We've been on our knees, praying over this address and someone connected with it, because we feel someone connected to this home needs God's help and blessings. One of our ministers is over 90 years old, another is 89, and several are in their 70's. Together we have more than 200 years of experience as ordained ministers, helping people who need prayer. And, God is doing great things every day here at this half-a-century-old church.
As we prayed, the Holy Spirit said, "If you want this home to be blessed, mail a biblical faith handkerchief like the Apostle Paul did, at Acts 19:11,12, where miracle blessings began when people used these blessed handkerchiefs." Here, let me read what God's Holy Word says about these Bible handkerchiefs: "And God wrought </b>special miracles</b> by the hands of Paul: So that from his body were brought unto the sickly H-A-N-D-K-E-R-C-H-I-E-F-S or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them." ACTS 19:11,12. (I'd like to see that translation in Greek if I could, please. Incidentally, forgive any typos you find, as I scanned this in rather than retyping the whole thing.)
My father had a bad habit of drinking, and he could not stop. I sent one of these to my Baptist mother, and it flat stopped Dad from a bad drinking habit. It works!
Here is what I ask you to do, in Jesus' name. . . (1) PRINT YOUR NAME AND YOUR MOST PRESSING PROBLEM, BY FAITH, IN THE CENTER OF THIS BIBLE HANDKERCHIEF. Yes, that's what I said. . .print your name, by faith, in the center of this church handkerchief AND THE NAME OF SOMEONE ELSE WHOM YOU REALLY LOVE THAT NEEDS GOD'S HELP. Print their name under yours. (2) Then, OPEN YOUR BIBLE TO THE BOOK OF ACTS, CHAPTER 19, VERSES 11 AND 12, if you have a Bible. If not, it's okay. God sees. (3) Then, LAY THIS BIBLE FAITH HANDKERCHIEF (with your name printed in the center of it) ON THIS SCRIPTURE. (4) Leave it there under your side of your bed for TONIGHT ONLY! If you can't, God will see your situation, but we would like you to sleep over it. (If God can see all these things, what exactly is the point of this elaborate little ritual?)
In the morning, please take this faith handkerchief out of that Bible, put it into this self-addressed envelope (the church will pay the postage for you - this is so important) and return it to us in the morning. I repeat, please do not keep this faith handkerchief, and please do not break this flow of God's spirit from my home to your home. Rush this Bible, church handkerchief back, for I must write something, in the spirit, to you that's good and is coming to your door. (You know what this sounds like to me? A pagan magical ritual, sympathetic magic. Do they have any idea how heretical this is??)
Now, when our 56-year-old church receives this Bible handkerchief back from you (with your name on it), we are going to pray a special prayer for a special miracle blessing for you. I am asking...
(Turn to page 2)
Page 2
you right now to pray about sowing a biblical seed offering unto the Lord. As your faith leads you to sow a seed gift to the Lord's work, give God your best seed and believe Him for His best blessing (St. Luke 6:38). Get out a seed offering and give it to God as your seed toward your harvest, and toward the work of Jesus Christ, for this is the work of God that this church is doing (Galatians 6:7). Please follow the faith instructions in this sealed prophecy.
I feel, in my heart, that I must pray for you right away. I don't know if something has happened, is happening, or is about to happen. I know that the Holy Spirit is in this spiritual letter and is speaking to your spirit now while you read these words. Please obey the Holy Spirit and let God's blessings be bestowed upon you. Only break open this sealed prophecy after sunset tomorrow. If you are not going to return this Bible Handkerchief, then this sealed prophecy must be destroyed, unopened and unread, because this is of a spiritual nature.
We are waiting, as a church, on this faith handkerchief back from you, with your name printed in the middle of it and the name of someone you love printed under yours'(St. Matthew 18:19). You are holding a church, Bible faith handkerchief. Go and place it in a Bible, if you have one. If not, it's okay. God sees. I believe the windows of heaven are about to open for you and your needs. Mail it back immediately. We're waiting.
Saint Matthews (in cursive)
MAIL THIS PAGE BACK WITH THIS BIBLE HANDKERCHIEF.
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF PRAYER!
Dear Pastors at Saint Matthew's 56-Year-Old Church,
( ) I received this Bible Handkerchief and this Sealed Prophecy you loaned me, and I used it as you instructed in this spiritual letter of faith. Now, I am returning it for prayer that God would give me a special miracle blessing. I shall open this sealed prophecy after sunset tomorrow. Pray for my family and me for...
( ) A Closer Walk With Jesus ( ) To Stop A Bad Habit
( ) To Be Saved. ( ) A Home To Call My Own
( ) Our Family Member's Health ( ) A New Car
( ) Confusion In My Home (we want a lot more of that, don't we?) ( ) A Money Blessing
( ) My Children ( ) Pray for God to bless me with this
( ) A Better Job amount of money: $________
( ) Please, especially pray for this person:________________________________
( ) Also pray for (please print): ______________________________________
( ) I am sowing my seed gift to God's work of $________.
( ) I need God's divine help in all areas of my life.
SAINT MATTHEW'S CHURCH MUST HAVE THIS BIBLE FAITH HANDKERCHIEF BACK. IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU TO RETURN THIS BIBLICAL HANDKERCHIEF. THE WILL PAY THE POSTAGE FOR YOU. WE WILL SEND A WONDERFUL, FREE, SPIRITUAL GIFT TO YOU THAT WILL BE A BLESSING TO YOU FOR A LIFETIME, AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THIS BACK FROM YOU.
"ACCORDING TO YOUR FAITH BE IT UNTO YOU" ST. MATTHEW 9:29 This Bible ministry was established in 1951. Copyright© 88713
"WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE" ST. MARK 10:27 (Excuse me, but isn't this the motto of the state of Ohio??)

But there is MORE!

Testimonials of at least seven people who don't get that they are making a logical fallacy... specifically post hoc ergo propter hoc. My son is off dope; my husband stopped drinking; I got a big check in the mail... it's all god. All good things are god, and look somewhere else for the bad shit.

These "Prophetic Words" are given through inspiration of the Holy Spirit to help you be aware of blessing changes coming into your life. People are hungry for spiritual guidance. Unfortunately many are turning to the wrong place. Psychics, mediums and clairvoyants have no place in God's plan for your life. THE ONLY TRUE SOURCE OF INFORMATION ABOUT THE FUTURE IS GOD'S WORD AND HIS HOLY SPIRIT. PROPHECY IS NOT GIVEN TO MAKE YOU CURIOUS ABOUT THE FUTURE, BUT TO MOTIVATE YOU TO LIVE FOR GOD TODAY. PROPHECY IS A FREQUENT THEME IN THE BIBLE AND A SOLID FOUNDATION OF OUR FAITH. AS YOU READ THIS PROPHETIC WORD, YOUR FAITH CAN BE STIMULATED AND STRENGTHENED, AND YOUR SPIRIT CAN BE INFUSED IN A DIVINE MANNER. Tell us if this is you and your life or not.
"PROPHETIC WORD GIVEN FOR YOUR SPIRITUAL EDIFICATION"

MY CHILD, RECEIVE IN YOUR HEART AND SPIRIT THESE WORDS FOR TIME IS MOVING QUICKLY. I HAVE REVEALED TO YOU THAT THERE IS A GREATER PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE THAN YOU HAVE YET DISCOVERED. IT IS MY PURPOSE THAT MANY MYSTERIES BE OPENED TO YOU. NO MYSTERY CAN BE WITHHELD FROM THE MIND THAT IS OPEN TO MY SPIRIT.
EVEN NOW YOU ARE FACING A DECISION THAT MUST BE MADE. MY SPIRIT IS AT WORK INSTILLING IN YOU A NEW, GREATER UNDERSTANDING IN THE WAY I AM DIRECTING YOU. THERE ARE MANY THINGS WHICH YOU NEED TO KNOW, BUT THIS CAN ONLY COME THROUGH YOUR CAREFUL, CONSISTENT AND PERSISTENT COMMUNICATION WITH ME.
IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO SET NEW GOALS IN YOUR LIFE. YOU CANNOT BE HAPPY WITH LIFE UNCHANGED. THE NEW GOALS I AM HELPING YOU ESTABLISH CAN REMOVE APATHY. YOU ARE BEING SET FREE FROM THE FEELING OF INADEQUACY, AND A NEW ENTHUSIASM IS BEING CREATED. THIS MAY, IN TURN, RELEASE AND REGENERATE POWER INTO YOUR SPIRIT.
THE POWER TO SPEAK BLESSINGS INTO YOUR OWN LIFE IS IN YOU. YOU MUST DISCOVER THE WAYS TO USE THIS POWER. AS YOU DAILY SEEK ME IN PRAYER, UNDERSTANDING OF THE GIFTS IN YOU WILL COME FORTH, AND THE EVIDENCE OF THIS WILL BECOME APPARENT TO THOSE AROUND YOU.
DUE TO MY SPIRIT WORKING IN YOU, GREATER CONTROL OF THE PRESENT AND FUTURE PLANS CAN BE AT YOUR FINGERTIPS. YOU MAY FEEL INNER POWER GROWING BECAUSE OF YOUR CLOSENESS TO ME. NEW BOLDNESS IS BEING BIRTHED EVEN NOW. AS YOU ARE OBEDIENT TO MY INSTRUCTION, MY SPIRIT WILL CREATE IN YOU AWARENESS OF WHICH STEPS TO TAKE AND WHICH STEPS YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE, CONCERNING PLANS YOU HAVE MADE AND THOSE YOU ARE TO MAKE. I WILL DIRECT YOUR STEPS, AND THE PATH I LEAD YOU ON CAN TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THOSE WHO WOULD DAMAGE THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU AND TAKE YOU TOWARD THE PATH THAT LEADS TO THE FULFILLMENT YOU SEEK.
MY DEAR CHILD, I HAVE MUCH JOY PLANNED FOR YOU. AS YOU REMAIN FAITHFUL IN YOUR SEED SOWING INTO MY KINGDOM, SURELY YOU SHALL BE BLESSED. BE NOT WEARY IN WELL DOING, FOR YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR PROMISED REWARD. I SAY UNTO YOU, MEDITATE ON THESE THINGS I HAVE SAID, FOR YOU SHALL SEE THEM WITH YOUR OWN EYES (JOEL 2:28,29).
THANK GOD THAT THIS ANOINTED PRAYER HANDKERCHIEF IS BACK IN THE MAIL, ON ITS WAY TO THIS 56-YEAR-OLD CHURCH. WE THANK YOU. -AMEN
89325

What exactly is the point of constantly repeating "this 56-year-old church"? This "prophecy" would have made a lot more sense to me two years ago. Where was my letter then?

I think I'm gonna hang on to the prayer "handkerchief" though. It's decent paper. I could use it for stationary or something... :)

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
May. 21st, 2007 01:02 am (UTC)
The letter may seem odd. If you're wondering about God, check out www.AnswersInGenesis.org. I actually dare you.
inafoxhole
May. 21st, 2007 06:25 pm (UTC)
Yeah, right. You missed my "wondering about god" stage by 20 years. And I see that you didn't have the courage to even sign your own name. Why should I take a dare from an unnamed coward?

Besides, I've read Genesis. It's drivel. Have you?
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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